“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
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My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
mumsnet is amazing
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.