*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
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Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
My favorite type of men is ramen.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line