I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
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Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
January has been Januweary
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
💯😂
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.