What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
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The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
me irl
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.