Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing