Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
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I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.