muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
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ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Every haunted house movie:
Lmao
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️