Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
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There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
The honesty is refreshing
Cats are still liquid.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Looking at you, Jesus.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?