Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
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Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.