I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
You Might Also Like
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment