“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
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Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
he’s doing your taxes
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
*launders Kohls cash*
*feels the wind in my toe hair
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Life hack
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.