Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
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*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
my name if I was in the mob
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.