Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
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Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
me, too, girl. me, too.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.