Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
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I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged