Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.