HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime