Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
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*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”