“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
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HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.