professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
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ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish