There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
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Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Merry Christmas
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.