Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
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I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.