[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
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I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
ibopfufen
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?