Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!