A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
love it when they get my name right
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.