[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
You Might Also Like
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Basically.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*