The check engine light came on inside my oven.
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Just how popey was the pope today?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
War & Peace
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!