Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
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If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
You can’t outrun your problems…
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.