Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
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torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
who did the taste test?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.