May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
You Might Also Like
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.