If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
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Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*