The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Breaking news:
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂