My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
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You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
real
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Please do it!
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.