[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
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If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I am yelling
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Nice try, poison.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
These are too funny not to post 😂
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence