“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
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DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton