Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
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There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.