Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
You Might Also Like
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
time machine? you mean a clock?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!