How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
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Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”