When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
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My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
can’t catch a break
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.