Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
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me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy