I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
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Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.