I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes: