Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
You Might Also Like
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough