I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
You Might Also Like
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno