If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!