Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
You Might Also Like
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”