“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
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I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Feels
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
choose your fighter
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Pat is about to own someone
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet