reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
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[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”