[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
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I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
“you recording!?”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.