[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
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[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.