My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
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a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.